I’d like to preface this blog entry with my underlying trepidation. I’m concerned with how the message will be received by individuals who are tormented by significant and persistent anxiety. My goal is not to point the finger and blame. When the concept of responsibility for anxiety is introduced to people with anxiety it is often met with anger. This is not my goal, I know that people don’t chose to be anxious. I know anxiety can cause unbearable misery, isolation, and destroy lives. I know that people don’t chose to be anxious. But choosing something and being responsible for something are different things. My goal is to offer a new concept or mental framework from which a change in perspective can be to the first step in leading a less anxious existence. I’m just asking for a little open-mindedness.  

Consider the following:

 -         A student constantly blames teachers for poor grades while refusing to entertain the possibility that poor
study habits cause the low GPA is likely to adhere to those poor study habits.


-         A soccer player is benched for poor fitness, but blames the stupidity of his coaches for his benching. However,
throughout preseason this player minimized the impact fitness can have on success on the field. This player’s blind spot lies in his refusal to see importance in fitness.


-          An alcoholic who refuses to admit there is a problem probably won’t stop drinking.


-         A verbally aggressive colleague who points the finger at others when confronted about the cause of his
anger will continue with his angry ways.

These are clear examples of how ones refusal to accept responsibility contributes to a path of repeated frustration and possibly self-destruction. The actions of the aforementioned individuals are clearly within their control. The student and colleague decide to blame others, the soccer player refuses to put forth the necessary off-season training, and the alcoholic decides to drink. What about times in which the decisions of individuals do not appear to be decisions, rather circumstances, inflictions, or just bad luck? Often is the case with anxiety.

People can experience anxiety ranging from troublesome to debilitating. It can be feel transient or permanent. Most people easily admit that anxiety is unwanted and something they did not choose to experience. It can be due to unforeseen circumstances, but that is not the type of anxiety I’m talking about here.  We all
encounter plans gone awry such as poor grades, not making a team, getting fired, or poor weather during a graduation party. What I’m talking about is the type of anxiety that lingers for the individuals who say their anxiety “Has always been there… It is just who I am.” We all have defining personality characteristics and I can imagine it being a rough journey for those whose strongest defining trait is anxiety. If that describes you, I offer the following challenge: Think  about taking some responsibility for this trait. Stop assuming “It is just who I am” or it is in my DNA because my parents were worriers. I’m not saying that this is not true. What I’m saying is a change in perspective can be the first
  step in moving toward a less anxious life. By unconditionally accepting that the anxiety will always be there, without question, you are binding yourself to the anxiety and anxiety becomes your identity. If you begin the insightful
journey of questioning your role in the development and maintenance of the anxiety then you the might just become better equipped to break away from the anxiety. Below are some common reasons people adhere to anxious feelings and thoughts when something potentially unnerving arises. The scenarios below are common reasons why we hold onto our anxiety. If any of these apply to you, try to consider challenging and questioning these thoughts.

 -         If I imagine the worst case scenario, when it happens I’ll be better prepared.


-         There is some momentary comfort when we think about, ruminate, or dwell on anxious scenarios because it
makes us feel like at least we are doing something about it.


-         We trick ourselves our anxiety motivates us. This is true, but not with severe anxiety. On a 1-10 scale where
10 is the highest level of anxiety, levels 4-6 can be motivating. Levels 7-10 usually do the opposite. The higher levels of anxiety often cause us to procrastinate because attempting to work is seen as frightening. Plus significant anxiety is a huge distraction, so even if you are motivated, your production and quality of work is going to suffer because your focus and thinking is clouded with anxiety.


-         If you have been anxious for longer than you can remember, the anxiety, despite being problematic, is still
familiar. We become accustomed to anything that is familiar even if it is something we don’t want.

Please feel free to comment, agree, or disagree. I know this topic might be little controversial and I would love to hear others’ opinions.

Most people are constantly in a state of intentional  change. People want to have more success at work, lose weight, eat healthier, strengthen connections with others, learn more, be happier… Unfortunately we often develop lofty goals with a lot of stored up willpower only to experience small failures and setbacks along the way, which trigger an abandonment of our original plan. Two of the best examples illustrating this point can be seen in gyms on January 1st and college libraries at the beginning of each new semester. New Year’s resolutions and new semesters bring images of the ideal body and perfect GPA. The goals are lofty and exercisers and students have every intention of remaining firm. However a sense of hopelessness or “what’s the point” sets in when rough times are encountered such as no change in weight or few mediocre grades are earned. What our disillusioned exercisers and students do not grasp is that they are slowly laying the foundation for changing habits, but this takes time and persistent determination. Unfortunately exercisers allow gym memberships to collect dust come March 1st and students forget where the
library is located well before midterms. There are two key components that often allow people to see their way to develop the habits necessary to reach lofty goals.

 1.      Self-improvement and reinvention are about small changes over time. Significant lifestyle changes often fail because they are too drastic over a short period and therefore overwhelming. Someone who has never exercised before cannot begin running 5 miles each day. Instead he needs to gradually build up strength and stamina by walking a mile, walking two miles, walking three miles, slowly jogging half a mile, jogging a mile, and so forth. He needs to remind himself of minor accomplishments while continuing advancing toward his goal. As a therapist I help clients set goals at the onset of treatment. I encourage the clients to recognize the small individual steps and accomplishments along the way, rather than singularly focusing on the distant goal. This is crucial when they are frustrated with slow/no progress or even regression. When they begin to feel like the goal is out of their reach I remind them of their achievements which can be very reinforcing and encouraging. 

2.      Many times the goal is perceived as a small speck in the distance and we give up when we encounter some
roadblocks or we slip up. We might say, “What’s the point, there is no way I’m going to get that promotion, reach that weight, run that 5K, get an A in this class.” Instead of being a little self-forgiving we beat ourselves up. I remind clients that “we are our harshest critic.” I follow it up by asking what they would do if their best friend was going through the same process and he/she messed up? Would you add to their anguish and pile on with the negativity or would you remind them that it is ok to slip up and they are doing a great job?” I have yet to have a client say they would put their friend down. I also remind clients that slip ups and mini failures are a part of the process. In any major change you are essentially trying to break timeworn habits and the “old you” will fight for existence. It is like someone trying to quit smoking. They will have those brief moments of vulnerability and sneak a cigarette. It does not mean the person needs to abandon their hope of being a nonsmoker? It means they are human and they need to work harder to find their willpower and resolve while learning from their slip up.     

When you make a concerted effort to recognize and appreciate the small changes in perception, thinking, and behavior over time then you will likely to be on your way to seeing the ultimate change through to its end.

PS. I have to thank Mike Skahan and Lisa Barnet for encouraging me to stop making excuses and write more even though its hard to thank Skahan for anything.