American culture is shifting in a direction in which people are starting to realize that dwelling on how others “see” us can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, anger, fatigue, and low self-esteem. There are countless Facebook postings about the benefits of “being yourself without caring about what others think” (See quotes below.) I agree with this opinion to an extent. I feel that most of us experience undue self-created stress through a constant stream of thoughts surrounding what others think. But we must keep things in perspective. We should be careful to understand we live in a social world. It would be very risky to behave in a manner that completely disregards the thoughts of others. We cannot act upon whatever impulse comes to mind because we would become social outcasts. We must keep our jobs because we realize a boss’ perception of us carries a lot of weight. We must value how a coach interprets our play because they decide our fate on the team. We must ponder what thoughts our spouse and friends are sending in our direction because we don’t want to become lonely and isolated. 

We are driven, to some degree, by what others might be thinking of us. “Do others really like me, do they talk trash about me when I’m not around, do they think I’m good at what I do, do they think I’m smart, do they think I’m attractive?” These thoughts tend reach their height during adolescence and early 20’s and decline as one ages. We all know a grandparent or aging uncle who says whatever they please because they simply don’t care. This means these thoughts might lose power over time and there might be a light at the end of the “excessively thinking of how others see me” tunnel. But what can we do in the meantime while these thoughts have our focus in a death grip of a head-lock? 
 
A healthy perspective obtained through regular monitoring of your thoughts can be helpful. This perspective can allow you to walk that fine line between becoming a social outcast who doesn’t care at all and becoming an anxious mess that cannot stop thinking about what others are thinking. When you venture into that inner world when you cannot stop worrying about what others are thinking of you try the following.
 1.  Ask yourself if you have real evidence to support the negative thoughts others might have of you.
    a.  Often we dwell on unrealistic negativity
2.  Is there value in having these thoughts?
3.  Question why you care so much.
    a.  Maybe we should care a lot what this other person thinks, which can provide some comfort in accepting these thoughts are warranted
4.  Remind yourself it is very likely that this other person only spends a small fraction of the time thinking about you. I know it is hard to image, but you might not be that important
    a.  Stop unnecessarily putting these people up on a pedestal
    b.  Self-statements that “they don’t matter that much” can help you let go of these thoughts.

Here is a little brain biology behind the reason for these thoughts for those who are interested. The amygdala is the part of the brain which contributes to the reason for the adolescent mind being hyper-focused on what others are thinking. This part of the brain is responsible for regulating emotions and socialization and it becomes fully developed in adolescence, whereas the rest of the brain is trying to catch up. As a result a lot of our adolescent/young adult thoughts are centered on social approval, being popular, and having a lot of friends because the amygdala is operating at full capacity.

 “Marching to the beat of your own drum”  quotes
● I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. -Mahatma Gandhi
● I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. -Rita Mae Brown
● Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are. -Kurt Cobain
● The deepes problems of modern life derive from the claim of the individual to preserve the autonomy and individuality of his existence in the face of overwhelming social forces, of historical heritage, of external culture, and of the technique of life. -Georg Simmel
● I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. -Jimi Hendrix
● Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner. -Lao Tzu

From the time a child first steps on the field they are taught to be strong and hide any signs of weakness or vulnerability. This is important because as athletes get more serious about sports, they do not want to show an opponent any exploitable chink in the armor. However this ingrained idea that we must always demonstrate an outward appearance of physical toughness can have disastrous outcomes. All too often I hear my collegiate players say things like, “The trainer said I’m out for three weeks, but I think I’ll be back on the field in two.” No athlete likes to think their recovery rate from an injury is slow or even average. They all want to think they can recover from an injury in as little time as possible. This often leads to a cycle of re-injury and more sitting out. Jamie Moyer, given his longevity in Major League Baseball is an expert in the recovery process. One thing he mentions in his book is that recovery is underestimated in sports and slow or nothing is sometimes best. This is an incredibly difficult concept for athletes to embrace because they see inactivity as detrimental to their improvement rather than realizing an injury is the body’s way of saying stop. 

Moyer even believes in the influence one’s thoughts can have throughout the rehabilitation process. He says recovering athletes should imagine the healing body parts getting stronger, better, and doing what you want them to, without pain. I know that many people are turned off by this concept, but it is comparable to the placebo effect. When monitoring for the placebo effect in experiments for new medication, the research group is divided in half. One group gets the medication and the other gets a sugar pill. Often the sugar pill group heals, recovers, or gets better in a manner similar to the medication group. This is due to the influence of the mind over a healing body. The mind thinks the body his healing and the body responds accordingly. Healing athletes tend to focus only on the pain without thinking about the injury healing, likely resulting in altered movement patterns which open the door for re-injuring the original body part and straining compensating body parts. Lastly there is the emotional toll negative thinking can have on an injured athlete. Without envisioning the body part healing, the athlete is probably focused on just feeling pain without recognizing improvement. As a result anxiety and frustration increase, motivation goes down because the recovery process begins to feel hopeless, and the sport becomes a tedious grind.

I recently finished reading the book “Just Tell Me Can’t: How Jamie Moyer Defied the Radar Gun and Defeated Time.” The book examines his long and successful career pitching for different teams, most notable for the Phillies when they won the World Series. But the primary focus is what he learned during his time working with sport psychologist, Harvey Dorfman. The next couple of blog entries stem from ideas mentioned in this book. 
 
Fear of being revealed as an imposter. This is a fear that lingers in the forefront of many athletes’ mind, especially when confidence has tanked. It is more common with younger athletes with less experience because of the many other athletes who are better coupled with the fact that younger athletes fail way more than they succeed. Both of these factors strengthen thoughts of being an imposter. Professionals, on the other hand, have very few who are better along with an excess of past successful experiences to prove they are not a fraud. The strongest psychological factor contributing to an athlete reaching the professional ranks is their ability to manage fears and thoughts of possibly being an imposter. The average athlete, the athlete who does not push him/herself, and the athlete who gives up are the ones who allow these thoughts to take over and control their decisions and actions. These thoughts take the form of self-statements like “What if I’m really not that good? What if everyone realizes I’ve been lucky up to this point, What if people are talking behind my back about how much I suck?” It is easy to see how these thoughts can cause anxiety, tension, poor performances, burnout, and quitting. But sometimes it is helps for younger athletes to realize that all the superstars, at some point in their development, experienced the same thoughts. For example, Tom Brady after being drafted in the drafted in the 6th round, Lebron James before he won a title, Jamie Moyer when he was in his early 30’s and bouncing from team to team, Alex Ovechkin because he has yet to win a Stanley Cup, and Peyton Manning when he’s thinking about his post-season record. 
 
Remember these concepts are applicable to all professions and areas of performance. Teachers, business people, general contractors, electricians, lawyers, police officer… all experience the fear being revealed as a fraud throughout their career.     

I know my post blogs have not resulted in a lot of comments, maybe this mildly
controversial topic withh change that trend. Speak up I'm interested in what you have to
say about this topic.

 Seattle Seahawk All-Pro Cornerback Richard Sherman was
  blasted by many different sources following his behavior following the NFC
  Championship game. He was labeled a selfish thug whose actions detracted from
  the tremendous success of the team. Conversely, there is Marshawn Lynch,
  Seattle’s Pro Bowl running back, who is receiving what appears to be unwanted
  attention because of his reluctance to speak up during the Super Bowl’s media
  day. He spoke for a total of 7 minutes and 25 seconds. The NFL did not fine him
  because he fulfilled his obligations. Yes, players can be fined for remaining
  silent and hidden form the spotlight. These are classic examples of “damned if
  you do and damned if you don’t.” When offering an opinion regarding these
  vastly different personalities, it is easy to blame the athlete for not
  behaving appropriately. Many feel Sherman is a self-centered loudmouth, whereas
  Lynch is also selfish because he chose a profession in the public eye and he
  should give the public what it wants. But consider for a moment that it is not
  the players who are being self-centered, but rather the complaining fan and the
  public in general. Are we as fans selfish in thinking that these professionals
  owe it to us to behave in a way we deem acceptable? The truth is these athletes
  owe the fans one thing; to do everything in their power to be the best on the
  field, court, track… 
 
Another factor sometimes ignored by the fan is there
might be a specific method to their madness. Sherman’s trash talk definitely
plays a role in the on-field success. He is finding ways to use the opponent’s
own mind and ego to work against that opponent. He also seems to have figured
out how to harness emotions to improve his performance. The 49ers threw to a
Sherman covered receiver only two times. But with less than 2 minutes in the
game, Sherman seemed to flip the switch and make the best play of the playoffs
during a game in which he had next to no involvement. How could emotions not
play a role? Then there is Lynch. He seems to be the type of player who might
become distracted when the media spotlight corners him. If he is a shy person,
the fear of the spotlight brought on by the Super Bowl can be a paralyzing force
  that prevents him from being at his best come Sunday. I wonder if this was the
  case for many of the Denver Broncos. The point is these are two elite guys are
  the pinnacle of their professions. Therefore, it seems their contrasting
strategies are working. They have carved out amazing paths to greatness. Sure
their actions can rub us the wrong way, can be distasteful, and we can be
annoyed. But they are athletes and as fans, we cannot start believe they owe us
to behave according to our own personal standards. I shared this entry with a
  friend and former athlete who said he disagreed because the organization, team,
  and the NFL can hold these players to a higher standard. These players
ultimately represent the teams and the NFL. He also said that if his boss
required him to speak at a public event, like media day for the Super Bowl, then
had better get his ass up to the podium. I argue that whether the fans, coaches,
and owners like it or not, the players have the upper hand. Their physical
talents trump almost all poor, tasteless, thuggish, and selfish behaviors. Many
unlikeable players have had many shots at redemption because they are great at
what they do. Cases in point: Terrell Owens, Bill Romanowski, Luis Suarez, Randy
Moss, Sean Avery, Joey Barton, Jay Cutler. A-Rod, Kurt Busch, Ndamukong Suh,
Mike Vick, Eric Cantona, Ben Roethlisberger… The truth is that fans fuel huge
egos and poor behavior way more than they fuel honorable behavior like Barry
Sanders handing the ball to the referee after a touchdown. This is the same
reason why terrible talk shows like the Kardashians and the Real Housewives are
on TV. We, the public are attracted to it. If the fans really had a serious
problem with athlete behavior, they would stop buying tickets and stop tuning
in. 

And for the people who say these athletes are role models
to millions of kids, your right. But since sports became a form of
entertainment, there have always been athletes who were awful role models. Babe
Ruth was a heavy drinking, cigar smoker who cheated on his wife. Parents and
coaches who are concerned about their kids/players being negatively impacted by
the inappropriate behavior of athletes need to have open and honest dialogue
about why that behavior is wrong and why it should not be mimicked. Parents need
to be the most influential and powerful role model in their child’s life and
  coaches should be a close second.  
      
I think Sherman’s behavior was in poor taste. As a coach
and therapist I work hard to help athletes succeed with class. Unfortunately the
  attention these behaviors gain is a powerful force pushing these behaviors
  forward.